Thursday, November 3, 2011

Cinderella.

Winter. Summer. Fall. Spring.
Love. Warmth. Snuggling. Hot Cocoa. Fireplaces.

Darien was looking for a girl who would fit his sparkled glass slipper. Many times would he run into a good lookin’ female, but her foot never seemed to fit the slipper fully. Too big, too small.

One blizzardly winter evening, Darien met a girl he wasn’t too sure about. This particular girl had strawberry blonde hair, tiny like a baby panda and a shy personality. Girl instantly hooked onto this boy didn’t know how to approach him.

After many days spending endless hours together, Darien decided he would give it a try, ask the pretty girl out. Sitting in the ice cold movie theater, overly buttered popcorn, one large soda, Darien dug frantically through his pockets to find his phone. Quickly texting the girls best friend, he asked, “Should I hold her hand?” Within seconds, she replied yes! Reaching over, he grabbed her hand and butterflies flew throughout her stomach.

Next day rolled around, and it was official. Darien found the perfect girl with the perfect foot to fit in his glass slipper. Couldn’t be happier. The slipper still fitting nice and snug after a year and nothing will change that ... (:

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11 comments:

  1. SammylouNovember 4, 2011 at 12:22 PM

    I love the way you changed the simple story of Cinderalla and made it your own through the great imagery you had! It was a great twist. Thank you. I would cut it down that way it fits the word count but that's about it. For example, you could cut out the part about the texting.

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  2. ARCraphaelNovember 4, 2011 at 1:31 PM

    ok i like the whole cinderella theme but i have some questions. What time frame is it? i was confused because i thought it would be the middle-ages but then the guy whips out a phone. Also where does that guy get the glass slipper from? he just seems to have it out of no where and then you say, "The slipper still fitting nice and snug after a year and nothing will change that". And why is the movie theater ice cold?

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  3. Abby MarieNovember 4, 2011 at 1:33 PM

    This story is good. I like how the fixed action and moving action is clear.
    A cool comment would be to show more throughtout the story

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  4. Ashra W.November 4, 2011 at 1:39 PM

    This was great story, i like how you changed the story of cinderella and put your on touch on it. One thing you could work on is only putting things that move your story forward. For example you could take the part where he texts in the movie theater, its not needed. But Good Job!

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  5. Brock MalcolmNovember 4, 2011 at 1:46 PM

    First of all, this was a good story, for example the way you changed Cinderella and made it into a regular story,it was a good story and i cant really say anything bad about it, good job.

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  6. AlysonNovember 4, 2011 at 1:46 PM

    This story is adorable. One thing you could do is change the way you started each paragraph off, because the next, after, etc get tiring to read and you could help make your piece so much stronger if you changed them to be more intriguing. Overall really good piece.

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  7. JackNovember 4, 2011 at 1:51 PM

    This was so cute. I like how you wrote it from the "prince"'s point of view instead of Cinderella's story, it was really a refreshing twist.
    Love the line "found the perfect girl with the perfect foot to fit in his glass slipper." It fits perfectly, if you'll pardon the pun, and it's a great way to end.

    Your second paragraph was a bit muddled. First of all, I'm uncertain what you meant by "bizarrely winter." Also when you're describing the girl you go from "had x color hair" to "like a baby panda." My suggestion is to switch these two descriptions so you can group the features she "had" together, otherwise it reads like she "had small like a baby panda..."

    Also your very last few sentences aren't necessary. Maybe they were to add to the word count but they still didn't carry any weight.

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  8. s.pritchardNovember 4, 2011 at 1:55 PM

    I really loved this!! very original twist on a classic story. but i agree with sam i would cut out the texting part i feel it doesn't fit the piece very well. but other than that it was very good:)

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  9. Sophie D.November 4, 2011 at 1:55 PM

    Warm: I liked how you related the relationship to the glass slipper in Cinderalla

    Cool: The only thing that I thought you could change was the sentence "and butterflies flew throughout her stomach

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  10. NickolasBNovember 4, 2011 at 2:04 PM

    i like how you made an already story and made it your own. had good creativity!!

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  11. Kelsey KiaNovember 4, 2011 at 2:04 PM

    aww i loved this! it was a very good example of the glass slipper. and told the story of you guys well. i also agree with sam you could leave out the texting(: really good job

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