Gemco. Mom started working at this little supermarket in a huge suburban town at a young age. After working in the cashed checks department for a few months, she started seeing familiar faces. Two males that were tall and always greasy with sweat dripping down their faces. Gross. Cashing their checks weekly, same time and same day of the week. Eventually the tall, long brown hair guy started to flirt and begin to make a move. Mom wasn't a dumb girl, she got the hint.
One night, the man walked into the store late; later then usual. Mom doing her normal routine cashed his check but put it aside instead of the cash register. Why? Well, she wanted to go see this man after her long endless nights at work. Writing his address down and calling her best friend excitedly, she couldn't wait till work was over to go surprise him.
Finally! The clock showed it was time to clock out and leave. Jumping into her old beat up '64 Yellow rusted Mazda to get her friend down the street. Her friend worked at a hole in the wall gas station. Barely able to talk, adrenaline rushing through her body, she sped off once her friend was in the car.
As she walked up to the door, legs feeling like jello, she stuttered when he opened the door. The face he made was priceless. Pure joy, happiness and a little confused as well. Throughout the night there was lots of laughter and smiles. The three of them had a great time. Mom knowing she had work bright and early, didn't stop her from staying out with this man till late.
Days later they were pronounced boyfriend and girlfriend. Happiest little couple decided to get married after a few years of being together. Moving around in the bay area, having kids throughout the year; six years apart. First they had Brian who seemed to be the helpful child. Always happy and went out of his way to provide for the family as he grew older. Second came Christopher. Devious little child. Run around the house knocking out teeth and not a care in the world. Lastly, Mom wanted a girl. That's where Nicole came along.
I think that there were some errors, and some places that could have been taken out, replace some periods with commas. It was a great story, add more sensory details to add length. Overall great story and I loved reading it :)
ReplyDeleteLove youuu :) <3
Great story!Thanks for sharing! One thing that you could add to expand on this piece is instead of ending it so quickly, you could go into detail about yourself. Also it was kinda confusing that you went back and forth between the feelings of your mm and then the guy, you should choose one character and focus on them.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed how you told the story of your parents. The way you told it was different, you included the changes of event, allowing the plot to unravel. Just a clarity check, on the in the second to last paragraph, was your mom spending time with just one man or both. It get cloudy in that paragraph, maybe you should include some names.
ReplyDeletei got confused in the 4th paragraph who the 3 of them were? also i think you should add more background on your dad.<3
ReplyDeletep.s. it didnt suck [:
I enjoyed the whole story in general. My favorite part was when you described that "she sped off as soon as her friend was in the car". I thought that really showed how excited she was. Something that would help would be showing more detail about your dad like showing how he acted around her or something. Again, great story and thank you for showing it!
ReplyDelete